Category Archives: Miracles

Miracles, Magic and Coincidence

Having been a witness to a miracle and all the magic things which happened around it (see this) has taken me a quantum leap in consciousness.  When trying to put into words what happened, I get to a point where it even sounds to me that I am talking nonsense.  I talk about God when I really can’t even grasp the concept.  Some, I’m certain, believe that I’m talking about the dude with the pink gown who is painted on the Sistine Chapel ceiling.   I talk about miracles, synchronicity, time as an illusion, dimensions, portals and things of which I have no direct knowledge; but, I have a gut feeling are part of some experience I am currently having or about to have…or possibly had all my life.

Last night I was trying to explain all this information to Doug and he seems to get nearly angry the more I talked.  I don’t really even know where the ideas and concepts are coming from but seem to just know something which I am supposed to pass along.

Time: I talk about linear time as an illusion–this is one of the things which really made Doug angry.  He said we must share the concept of linear time in order to be able to talk about events from the same frame of reference.  I didn’t disagree but jumped to the idea that words themselves are a limitation (I have often talked about how our minds are trapped in a word prison) at which point Doug got even more frustrated with me because we must use words, as well as time, to communicate.  Doug is very down to earth when it comes to my spacy ideas.

Let me just give you a litany of the concepts in a condensed form which went through my mind as I lay in bed last night:

  1. Time as an illusion.  I believe that quantum physics has already proven this through the concept of quantum entanglement.  Einstein was so freaked out by the concept he called it “spooky action at a distance.”
  2. The deliberate disclosure of UFOs is coming in dribs and drabs because many of influence in this world believe such a revelation would, basically, cause the collapse of society.
  3. Aliens: I talked about them as hypothetically more advanced than we are and that, in human history, when human colonizers came in contact with a primitive culture they destroyed it by smashing the ideals and mores of the culture, spreading disease and enslaving their fellow beings.  Is this a possibility?  Only if the “aliens” are colonizers but it is possible they are here for some other purpose.
  4. Time can be bent and traveled through, like traveling from dimension to dimension.  Quantum physics talks about concepts of parallel universes and even Stephen Hawking was working during his death on the concept of “multi-verses”.
  5. Spirituality and coincidence have been a big part of Doug and I’s recent journey through cancer and the healing process.  I have written many of the events down, some I have not, which are too coincidental to be a coincidence.  Carl Jung referred to this concept as Synchronicity.

Most recently the magical, coincidental events which have taken place on this ride through consciousness and healing are the following:

Over Doug and I’s last year of “tribulation”, we lost one of our beloved dogs, Hanna.  At Doug’s new job, the girl he is replacing is named Hanna.  The man who hired Doug is named Matt.  Matt announced his departure from the store on Doug’s first day: Doug’s hiring was the last official act of this manager who appeared to be much loved by his subordinates some of whom cried at his announcement.  Matt is going to Nebraska Furniture Mart.  Doug was born in Nebraska and owns stock in the company in the form of Berkshire Hathaway.  Lastly, I have referred to in this blog the book of Matthew with reference to chapter 6–this reference is part of what I call the “worry project “(which is having some results) and is ongoing. 

 

Not Much Better But Not Any Worse

Still, in the hospital…everything is vague.  Doug is half out of it with morphine and never asks any straightforward questions like: “What exactly is going on with my health status?” or “Why am I running an intermittent fever?” or “What is my prognosis of getting out of here?”  His appetite is almost non-existent today, has a fever of 101 (the highest it has been), still going to the bathroom every two hours, all day and all night.

I finally asked to talk to someone so that we all could have an idea of what is going on with him.

His potassium keeps dropping because of constant diarrhea, they seem to be very concerned about this and are giving him a lot of supplements.  Doug thinks he should just be able to eat a banana but he would have to eat about 40 bananas a day to replace what they are giving him in pill form. The fever is just part of how the chemotherapy and radiation attack the body.  The body thinks it is under attack so it reacts as if it were with a fever: even though there is no infection.  He is not losing any blood in his stool so his hemoglobin levels are fine.

I think what happened here is he waited too long to express how bad he was really feeling to the doctor over the phone.  Now one can’t fault him for being the person he is; Doug is just him.  He is stoic, outwardly calm (though he might inwardly be in turmoil), and especially hesitant to be any trouble to anyone. 

I want to mention that Doug’s deceased father Wally keeps giving us signs that he is here watching:

Wally on the brochure!

Yesterday, Doug’s mom was here visiting and was looking for something that would help her find some sporting event on the television.   She was shuffling through hospital brochures and by pure coincidence (NOT!) she found a picture of Wally in a hospital brochure which had been taken a few years ago, with his permission,  for a pamphlet about “options for pain control”.  He had a glowing smile on his face just to remind us all that he is still around, working to heal Doug from the “other side.”   There have been other incidents which I have personally had; but, nothing as obvious as this event. 

 

At The Hospital

Doug was very happy to see his family!  His Aunt, Mom, and Sister came to visit him and he perked up quite a bit and even got quite chatty. Doug loves his family very much.

Unfortunately, Doug started running a slight fever, which hadn’t been an issue up until now, so the doctor ordered a chest Xray to look for pneumonia since this bad flu is going around. They have found no proof of infection thus far but are treating him with antibiotics as a precaution.  His pain comes in waves and it must be quite severe because he will lie there with a grimace on his face.  I keep reminding him that one of the reasons he is here is so he doesn’t have to suffer and he is not bothering the nurse by asking her for relief; they have all been very kind here.  

We cried together today when I told Doug I saw a male Cardinal bird in the backyard when I went back home to get some things to bring to the hospital.  We have come to think of this beautiful bird as a symbol of Doug’s departed father, Wally.  I told Doug that I waved to the Cardinal and said “Hi Wally”; Wally is watching over his son—I am certain of that fact.  I didn’t intend to make him cry but he is exhausted from dealing with the pain.  We have a lot of loss and sorrow over the last year…sometimes it just gets to you; but, you have to keep grinding along.

More Hair at The Turning Point

Where are we?  That’s a damn good question; and, I say “we” because this has been a team effort.  I’m not really taking care of Doug, not his nurse.  I’m more of a coach in a way, trying to look at this spiritually just because I believe it’s important.  Keeping Doug, as best I can, focusing on the outcome and not the process. The number one reason I write this blog is that I know how many people love him and support him with their thoughts, prayers, good wishes, whatever you want to call them; and I KNOW the energy contained in those thoughts is real and works to heal.

He is halfway through cancer treatment with another round of chemotherapy to come on the 11th, 12 more radiation treatments, 11 pipers piping, 6 geese a laying.  Oh my, this process is something unlike anything else either of us has experienced.  When you start getting old, the time passes faster but not when you are dealing with cancer treatment.  It slows down, way down—so that a minute in the middle of the night seems like ALL night when waiting for a phone call for a minute seems like ALL day.  

His hair is thinning still, find it all in the bathroom every day: that’s why God blessed us with poor vision as we grow older, neither of us sees the hair until we put our glasses on and focus for a second.  He still has a lot of it on his head.  I don’t know what it is about this hair.  He’s supposed to lose it but it’s something neither one of us seems to want to see.

He does have pain and discomfort from the radiation but this dude is one tough cookie: a snickerdoodle if we had the choice. 

We are ready for things to get back to normal!  Doug is ready to go back to work.  Work sucks until you don’t have it.

Again, thanks to all who have kept Doug in their thoughts, people from far away and long ago, kinda like Star Wars, as well as those close to home who we need more than they may realize.  

Yellow Moon

So cold my breath turned to snow and sprinkled in the footstep of a sparrow who, unwittingly, had crossed my path before the last sun had set; he wasn’t singing now, too dark too cold–and I was not too bold to venture out before a warming dawn, an icy mouth full of yawn.  Slate gray it was with a border of dark pink–it rose like a broken window shade on my left: quiet, frosty, still: the night was slithering away, it’s belly nearly froze in place had she not been so sleek to slip away.  She was meek, the night because she was the last one of the year.  She had no fear of father sun for he was sure to return; she knew in calmness there is a strength.   The yellow moon emblazoned on my right broke through the blackness of the night and hovered near my every move as I made my way.  The yellow moon, so full and bright, hung like an anchor on a new day full of hope and promise of rebirth and joy.  I followed the yellow moon–it was his noon—for he marked every step in my path, otherwise, I would not have known he took with him the pain of ice cold nights, and pointless, frigid fights against his will.  He was pulling down all the darkness with him into his pit; and so, I knew, it was time to rest a bit and rise again without the frozen fear of pain.

It was time to hope again.

Is it Winter or Something Else? I Just Saw a Robin

I just saw a robin.  It’s December and there shouldn’t be a Robin here; they are a harbinger of Spring.

A phrase came to my mind: “Hope springs eternal”  Then I wondered where the phrase came from; it came from a poem by Alexander Pope entitled “An Essay on Man”.

“Hope springs eternal in the human breast;
Man never is, but always to be blessed:
The soul, uneasy and confined from home,
Rests and expatiates in a life to come.”
He cautions that our soul is never happy trapped in the human body, ruled by the human ego.  We never realize that we are one with God and we are already blessed, instead we wait until we cross over to be so; and, he warns to not let your soul be uneasy, resting and waiting to write our story in the afterlife.  Your story is to be written right here and now.
Another tiny miracle…

Goodbye Chemo Pump

Doug is nearly finished with his first round of chemotherapy; miraculously, he hasn’t even had any mild side-effects except for yesterday he did mention he had a “funny” taste in his mouth.  Before all this started, I was fairly confident he would fare better than most when it came to dealing with the draconian methods of modern cancer treatment.  He has been injected with majorly toxic drugs for which he brought home a hazardous waste bag in case there was a spill!  The chemo pump comes off today, however, and puts us one step closer to normalcy (whatever that its?)!

The first day, Thursday December 14th, he was injected with a toxic blast of Mytomycin which has the following possible side-effects:

  • Mouth sores
  • Poor appetite
  • Fatigue
  • Nausea and vomiting, usually mild
  • Diarrhea
  • Hair loss
  • Bladder inflammation (urinary frequency, burning, cramping, pain) – seen with intravesical (into the bladder) therapy.

Now I suppose these could come on later but we are now at the beginning of day 5 and despite my horrible, repetitive asking, “How do you feel?”, none of the above have occurred, at least in any major way.  I can’t help be on constant alert for something to go wrong and, not being the patient myself, find this position quite troubling, worrisome and just downright terrifying.

He has also been wearing a pump which has been giving him intermittent doses of a scary sounding chemical called Floxuridine  which comes with its own set of possible problems.

  • Mouth sores
  • Diarrhea (may be severe)
  • Poor appetite
  • Nausea and vomiting
  • Hair loss
  • Elevated liver enzymes (temporary increase in alkaline phosphatase, lactate dehydrogenase, transaminase, and bilirubin). (see liver problems) This is seen more with the intra-arterial infusion directly into the liver.
  • Hand -foot syndrome (Palmar-plantar erythrodysesthesia or PPE) -skin rash, swelling, redness, pain and/or peeling of the skin on the palms of hands and soles of feet. 
  • Stomach ulcers (This is seen more with the intra-arterial infusion).

Now it is still early, and one of the major effects of both of these drugs, and as I understand with most chemo drugs, is the lowering of white blood cell counts which opens a person up to the wonderful world of life-threatening infections.  These are the abstract concepts which cause me to awaken in the middle of the night in a sweating, cold panic.  Doug, however, has slept like a baby through the whole process of cancer treatment, so far.  Perhaps he has the fatigue setting in but I’ll just assume some of the fear of anticipation associated with undergoing all this chemical chaos has worn off a bit, allowing him to be more relaxed.

Last night, we had the most delicious what Doug calls a “Sunday Roast”—a beef roast with carrots and potatoes cooked around it, covered with an au jus.  My God it was delicious and seemed just the kind of hearty thing to eat; the meal was a tradition with his family and it therefore carries the medicinal effect of comfort.

Each day is all we have.  We just keep pretending everything is “normal”,  we don’t openly dwell on the scary concepts associated with the treatment (that is reserved for personal panic attacks on my part) but I do tend to be an annoying watch do ever on the lookout for side-effects.  “How are you feeling?”  Perhaps it’s best to just drop this line; he’ll tell me when and if there is something wrong.

So far, it is nothing short of another “tiny miracle” Doug has done as well as he has with his chemotherapy.  Your continued prayers and positive thoughts have made this all possible.  Thanks to you all on Doug’s and my behalf. 

 

Awake at 3:30 AM…Again

There is something about the time from 2 am to 4 am which comes with aging, anguish, and illness.  When our beloved dog Hanna had reached her later years, lots of them she had–17, she would wake up during that wee hour time period and pace around the house.  Doug would always get out of bed in order to let her, and her baby Nina, outside; then, he would sit down in a recliner in our living room waiting for a signal which would always come in the form of a single bark from Nina (she was the talker) signaling they were ready to come back inside.  He did this for at least three years, every single night.  You see, this is how Angels work, quietly, without acknowledgement, without complaint, without posting it on Facebook…they just do what needs to been done in the quiet of the night.

Matthew 6:6

But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.

Now I am way far away from being an Angel; so when I wake up at 3 am it is just to…well I’m not sure.  Like I said, there is something about that time of night.  I picked up dirty clothes, trying to be quiet because Doug was sleeping (in the recliner as he was afraid to sleep in the bed with his tubes and bag of chemo); then I started picking up stuff everywhere…I just felt like I needed to pick up stuff and throw it away.  I am not a house cleaner any more than I am an Angel.

A nurse told Doug not to shave because he might cut himself…hearing that terrified me…so open ended…such an out of the ordinary statement to make.

There are silent screams happening during the dead quiet of 2 to 4 am.

Oh, and most importantly, the Huskers woman’s volleyball team won their game last night; they are close to a national championship.

 

The Little Miracles

Doug somewhat disappointed me the other day.  Throughout this whole cancer adventure we’ve been struggling to stay positive.  I was telling him about all the little miracles I had noticed happening all around me lately…good omens if you will…signs from God if you choose. 

For example: Doug is, and has been for many years, a huge Star Wars fan.  I was talking to him on the phone, as I do numerous times throughout the day since he’s been home on disability (much to his unnerving I sometimes think); I was taking a lunch break walk outside (amazing to be able to do so in the middle of December) to a nearby park.  The park has a modern version of a musical clock tower.  On the hour, it plays a couple of florid, clunky versions of  popular or once popular tunes…finding myself near it as we spoke on the phone, it became impossible to hear him speaking over the plumbing pipe version of “Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head.”  I told him I would call him later (repeatedly) and continued my walk.  Just then the “Raindrops” that were vibrating my head stopped, a couple seconds went by and then…the miracle: “The Star Wars (Main Theme)” began to play.  Now I’ve heard many a song on this horrible clock, and so has a coworker of mine who takes the same walk on her breaks…I’m talking ten years of breaks!  Neither of us has ever heard anything to do with “Star Wars”!  She, like me, thought it was a miracle.

When I told Doug about the little miracle he said, “It’s just a coincidence.”  My heart sank because I don’t believe you will see the miracles unless you believe in them, if you look for them.

Matthew 7

7 Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:
8 For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.
To me the “Star Wars” anthem playing at the very moment I hung up the phone symbolized the brave fight Doug was about to endure, the victory, and eventual destruction of Darth Cancer.  I’ll continue to believe that the Force is with him; and may the force be with you!