Having been a witness to a miracle and all the magic things which happened around it (see this) has taken me a quantum leap in consciousness. When trying to put into words what happened, I get to a point where it even sounds to me that I am talking nonsense. I talk about God when I really can’t even grasp the concept. Some, I’m certain, believe that I’m talking about the dude with the pink gown who is painted on the Sistine Chapel ceiling. I talk about miracles, synchronicity, time as an illusion, dimensions, portals and things of which I have no direct knowledge; but, I have a gut feeling are part of some experience I am currently having or about to have…or possibly had all my life.
Last night I was trying to explain all this information to Doug and he seems to get nearly angry the more I talked. I don’t really even know where the ideas and concepts are coming from but seem to just know something which I am supposed to pass along.
Time: I talk about linear time as an illusion–this is one of the things which really made Doug angry. He said we must share the concept of linear time in order to be able to talk about events from the same frame of reference. I didn’t disagree but jumped to the idea that words themselves are a limitation (I have often talked about how our minds are trapped in a word prison) at which point Doug got even more frustrated with me because we must use words, as well as time, to communicate. Doug is very down to earth when it comes to my spacy ideas.
Let me just give you a litany of the concepts in a condensed form which went through my mind as I lay in bed last night:
Time as an illusion. I believe that quantum physics has already proven this through the concept of quantum entanglement. Einstein was so freaked out by the concept he called it “spooky action at a distance.”
The deliberate disclosure of UFOs is coming in dribs and drabs because many of influence in this world believe such a revelation would, basically, cause the collapse of society.
Aliens: I talked about them as hypothetically more advanced than we are and that, in human history, when human colonizers came in contact with a primitive culture they destroyed it by smashing the ideals and mores of the culture, spreading disease and enslaving their fellow beings. Is this a possibility? Only if the “aliens” are colonizers but it is possible they are here for some other purpose.
Time can be bent and traveled through, like traveling from dimension to dimension. Quantum physics talks about concepts of parallel universes and even Stephen Hawking was working during his death on the concept of “multi-verses”.
Spirituality and coincidence have been a big part of Doug and I’s recent journey through cancer and the healing process. I have written many of the events down, some I have not, which are too coincidental to be a coincidence. Carl Jung referred to this concept as Synchronicity.
Most recently the magical, coincidental events which have taken place on this ride through consciousness and healing are the following:
Over Doug and I’s last year of “tribulation”, we lost one of our beloved dogs, Hanna. At Doug’s new job, the girl he is replacing is named Hanna. The man who hired Doug is named Matt. Matt announced his departure from the store on Doug’s first day: Doug’s hiring was the last official act of this manager who appeared to be much loved by his subordinates some of whom cried at his announcement. Matt is going to Nebraska Furniture Mart. Doug was born in Nebraska and owns stock in the company in the form of Berkshire Hathaway. Lastly, I have referred to in this blog the book of Matthew with reference to chapter 6–this reference is part of what I call the “worry project “(which is having some results) and is ongoing.
Still, in the hospital…everything is vague. Doug is half out of it with morphine and never asks any straightforward questions like: “What exactly is going on with my health status?” or “Why am I running an intermittent fever?” or “What is my prognosis of getting out of here?” His appetite is almost non-existent today, has a fever of 101 (the highest it has been), still going to the bathroom every two hours, all day and all night.
I finally asked to talk to someone so that we all could have an idea of what is going on with him.
His potassium keeps dropping because of constant diarrhea, they seem to be very concerned about this and are giving him a lot of supplements. Doug thinks he should just be able to eat a banana but he would have to eat about 40 bananas a day to replace what they are giving him in pill form. The fever is just part of how the chemotherapy and radiation attack the body. The body thinks it is under attack so it reacts as if it were with a fever: even though there is no infection. He is not losing any blood in his stool so his hemoglobin levels are fine.
I think what happened here is he waited too long to express how bad he was really feeling to the doctor over the phone. Now one can’t fault him for being the person he is; Doug is just him. He is stoic, outwardly calm (though he might inwardly be in turmoil), and especially hesitant to be any trouble to anyone.
I want to mention that Doug’s deceased father Wally keeps giving us signs that he is here watching:
Yesterday, Doug’s mom was here visiting and was looking for something that would help her find some sporting event on the television. She was shuffling through hospital brochures and by pure coincidence (NOT!) she found a picture of Wally in a hospital brochure which had been taken a few years ago, with his permission, for a pamphlet about “options for pain control”. He had a glowing smile on his face just to remind us all that he is still around, working to heal Doug from the “other side.” There have been other incidents which I have personally had; but, nothing as obvious as this event.
Where are we? That’s a damn good question; and, I say “we” because this has been a team effort. I’m not really taking care of Doug, not his nurse. I’m more of a coach in a way, trying to look at this spiritually just because I believe it’s important. Keeping Doug, as best I can, focusing on the outcome and not the process. The number one reason I write this blog is that I know how many people love him and support him with their thoughts, prayers, good wishes, whatever you want to call them; and I KNOW the energy contained in those thoughts is real and works to heal.
He is halfway through cancer treatment with another round of chemotherapy to come on the 11th, 12 more radiation treatments, 11 pipers piping, 6 geese a laying. Oh my, this process is something unlike anything else either of us has experienced. When you start getting old, the time passes faster but not when you are dealing with cancer treatment. It slows down, way down—so that a minute in the middle of the night seems like ALL night when waiting for a phone call for a minute seems like ALL day.
His hair is thinning still, find it all in the bathroom every day: that’s why God blessed us with poor vision as we grow older, neither of us sees the hair until we put our glasses on and focus for a second. He still has a lot of it on his head. I don’t know what it is about this hair. He’s supposed to lose it but it’s something neither one of us seems to want to see.
He does have pain and discomfort from the radiation but this dude is one tough cookie: a snickerdoodle if we had the choice.
We are ready for things to get back to normal! Doug is ready to go back to work. Work sucks until you don’t have it.
Again, thanks to all who have kept Doug in their thoughts, people from far away and long ago, kinda like Star Wars, as well as those close to home who we need more than they may realize.
So cold my breath turned to snow and sprinkled in the footstep of a sparrow who, unwittingly, had crossed my path before the last sun had set; he wasn’t singing now, too dark too cold–and I was not too bold to venture out before a warming dawn, an icy mouth full of yawn. Slate gray it was with a border of dark pink–it rose like a broken window shade on my left: quiet, frosty, still: the night was slithering away, it’s belly nearly froze in place had she not been so sleek to slip away. She was meek, the night because she was the last one of the year. She had no fear of father sun for he was sure to return; she knew in calmness there is a strength. The yellow moon emblazoned on my right broke through the blackness of the night and hovered near my every move as I made my way. The yellow moon, so full and bright, hung like an anchor on a new day full of hope and promise of rebirth and joy. I followed the yellow moon–it was his noon—for he marked every step in my path, otherwise, I would not have known he took with him the pain of ice cold nights, and pointless, frigid fights against his will. He was pulling down all the darkness with him into his pit; and so, I knew, it was time to rest a bit and rise again without the frozen fear of pain.
Looking for old movies…found this triumph. I had a heart attack, 100 percent blockage of the left ventricle, about four years ago or so. Cardiac ICU, stent, all that crap. We took this challenge at my behest. I forgot this video even existed; it shows the power of human will. Shall we all climb together?
Doug had his two hour meeting with the “finance people” and a nurse today. Chemotherapy doesn’t start yet; we thought it was going to be tomorrow, but tomorrow is more scheduling and planning of all his nearly draconian treatments. He might lose his hair they said, he’s only got 500 bucks left on his deductible so it sounds like
a tax refund will cover the bill! He tried to tell me the two hours of stuff that he heard but I only remember four words—I count them as four because I’m not sure if the contraction “It’ll” is grammatically correct. Is “it’ll” one word or two? I only now and probably will only remember four words for the rest of my life.
When Doug asked: “How will I know the cancer is gone? Do they do another CT scan or how do I find out?”
The nurse said, and she did say it twice: “It’ll be gone–It’ll be gone.”
The only thing I can say or think is: “It’ll be gone.”
So let us pretend to live without fear; for what tomorrow will
Bring we can do little for but sing, as a songbird would, at the rising Sun then blink to try to clear the blur which comes from a night of Songbird’s dreams; a dark and darker night which seems more real Than the nest on which he spills the mourning raindrops of a
Deep night’s breath then quivers; or, are those sounds the
Dying shivers which one hears overnight when awakened by a Nightmare’s gasp at life?
The songbird’s nightmare is a sash which overhangs the joy
And, unlike a spoiled child who has lost his favorite toy,
He see’s the rising sun and perches up to sing
For he has lived another way and despite the dark
Is inspired by a golden light burning, as it were:
A day, a day, a day.
“Son of God, you have not sinned, but you have been much mistaken. Yet this can be corrected and God will help you, knowing that you could not sin against Him. You denied Him because you loved Him, knowing that if you recognized your love for Him, you could not deny Him. Your denial of Him therefore means that you love Him, and that you know He loves you. Remember that what you deny you must have once known. And if you accept denial, you can accept its undoing.”
–From Chapter 10 The Idols of Sickness V. The Denial of God
I find it quite a revelation that one cannot deny something someone has never known, and that it therefore follows, one has once known the love of God at some point during the existence of their Soul.