Having been a witness to a miracle and all the magic things which happened around it (see this) has taken me a quantum leap in consciousness. When trying to put into words what happened, I get to a point where it even sounds to me that I am talking nonsense. I talk about God when I really can’t even grasp the concept. Some, I’m certain, believe that I’m talking about the dude with the pink gown who is painted on the Sistine Chapel ceiling. I talk about miracles, synchronicity, time as an illusion, dimensions, portals and things of which I have no direct knowledge; but, I have a gut feeling are part of some experience I am currently having or about to have…or possibly had all my life.
Last night I was trying to explain all this information to Doug and he seems to get nearly angry the more I talked. I don’t really even know where the ideas and concepts are coming from but seem to just know something which I am supposed to pass along.
Time: I talk about linear time as an illusion–this is one of the things which really made Doug angry. He said we must share the concept of linear time in order to be able to talk about events from the same frame of reference. I didn’t disagree but jumped to the idea that words themselves are a limitation (I have often talked about how our minds are trapped in a word prison) at which point Doug got even more frustrated with me because we must use words, as well as time, to communicate. Doug is very down to earth when it comes to my spacy ideas.
Let me just give you a litany of the concepts in a condensed form which went through my mind as I lay in bed last night:
Time as an illusion. I believe that quantum physics has already proven this through the concept of quantum entanglement. Einstein was so freaked out by the concept he called it “spooky action at a distance.”
The deliberate disclosure of UFOs is coming in dribs and drabs because many of influence in this world believe such a revelation would, basically, cause the collapse of society.
Aliens: I talked about them as hypothetically more advanced than we are and that, in human history, when human colonizers came in contact with a primitive culture they destroyed it by smashing the ideals and mores of the culture, spreading disease and enslaving their fellow beings. Is this a possibility? Only if the “aliens” are colonizers but it is possible they are here for some other purpose.
Time can be bent and traveled through, like traveling from dimension to dimension. Quantum physics talks about concepts of parallel universes and even Stephen Hawking was working during his death on the concept of “multi-verses”.
Spirituality and coincidence have been a big part of Doug and I’s recent journey through cancer and the healing process. I have written many of the events down, some I have not, which are too coincidental to be a coincidence. Carl Jung referred to this concept as Synchronicity.
Most recently the magical, coincidental events which have taken place on this ride through consciousness and healing are the following:
Over Doug and I’s last year of “tribulation”, we lost one of our beloved dogs, Hanna. At Doug’s new job, the girl he is replacing is named Hanna. The man who hired Doug is named Matt. Matt announced his departure from the store on Doug’s first day: Doug’s hiring was the last official act of this manager who appeared to be much loved by his subordinates some of whom cried at his announcement. Matt is going to Nebraska Furniture Mart. Doug was born in Nebraska and owns stock in the company in the form of Berkshire Hathaway. Lastly, I have referred to in this blog the book of Matthew with reference to chapter 6–this reference is part of what I call the “worry project “(which is having some results) and is ongoing.
Still, in the hospital…everything is vague. Doug is half out of it with morphine and never asks any straightforward questions like: “What exactly is going on with my health status?” or “Why am I running an intermittent fever?” or “What is my prognosis of getting out of here?” His appetite is almost non-existent today, has a fever of 101 (the highest it has been), still going to the bathroom every two hours, all day and all night.
I finally asked to talk to someone so that we all could have an idea of what is going on with him.
His potassium keeps dropping because of constant diarrhea, they seem to be very concerned about this and are giving him a lot of supplements. Doug thinks he should just be able to eat a banana but he would have to eat about 40 bananas a day to replace what they are giving him in pill form. The fever is just part of how the chemotherapy and radiation attack the body. The body thinks it is under attack so it reacts as if it were with a fever: even though there is no infection. He is not losing any blood in his stool so his hemoglobin levels are fine.
I think what happened here is he waited too long to express how bad he was really feeling to the doctor over the phone. Now one can’t fault him for being the person he is; Doug is just him. He is stoic, outwardly calm (though he might inwardly be in turmoil), and especially hesitant to be any trouble to anyone.
I want to mention that Doug’s deceased father Wally keeps giving us signs that he is here watching:
Yesterday, Doug’s mom was here visiting and was looking for something that would help her find some sporting event on the television. She was shuffling through hospital brochures and by pure coincidence (NOT!) she found a picture of Wally in a hospital brochure which had been taken a few years ago, with his permission, for a pamphlet about “options for pain control”. He had a glowing smile on his face just to remind us all that he is still around, working to heal Doug from the “other side.” There have been other incidents which I have personally had; but, nothing as obvious as this event.
So cold my breath turned to snow and sprinkled in the footstep of a sparrow who, unwittingly, had crossed my path before the last sun had set; he wasn’t singing now, too dark too cold–and I was not too bold to venture out before a warming dawn, an icy mouth full of yawn. Slate gray it was with a border of dark pink–it rose like a broken window shade on my left: quiet, frosty, still: the night was slithering away, it’s belly nearly froze in place had she not been so sleek to slip away. She was meek, the night because she was the last one of the year. She had no fear of father sun for he was sure to return; she knew in calmness there is a strength. The yellow moon emblazoned on my right broke through the blackness of the night and hovered near my every move as I made my way. The yellow moon, so full and bright, hung like an anchor on a new day full of hope and promise of rebirth and joy. I followed the yellow moon–it was his noon—for he marked every step in my path, otherwise, I would not have known he took with him the pain of ice cold nights, and pointless, frigid fights against his will. He was pulling down all the darkness with him into his pit; and so, I knew, it was time to rest a bit and rise again without the frozen fear of pain.
It is never dangerous to be happy. I thought I had learned this in the last year but I had not. We lost both of our dogs within five weeks of each other. Then, Doug was diagnosed with this awful cancer. Prior to these events of seemingly pointless cruelty and suffering, I had learned a phrase which I was beginning to use with increasing frequency.
“I am really happy right now.”
It was as if I had finally learned the true path to happiness. Without looking back, or forward, without the qualification of my perceived lack, or my history of pain, or my fear of death, or my inability to see with clarity…I am right now, in this very moment, happy. I could smile.
Now, it is time to learn again that, despite the current external events, I can rediscover the infinite moment of happiness during which God and I laugh together.
I just saw a robin. It’s December and there shouldn’t be a Robin here; they are a harbinger of Spring.
A phrase came to my mind: “Hope springs eternal” Then I wondered where the phrase came from; it came from a poem by Alexander Pope entitled “An Essay on Man”.
“Hope springs eternal in the human breast; Man never is, but always to be blessed: The soul, uneasy and confined from home, Rests and expatiates in a life to come.”
He cautions that our soul is never happy trapped in the human body, ruled by the human ego. We never realize that we are one with God and we are already blessed, instead we wait until we cross over to be so; and, he warns to not let your soul be uneasy, resting and waiting to write our story in the afterlife. Your story is to be written right here and now.
Doug somewhat disappointed me the other day. Throughout this whole cancer adventure we’ve been struggling to stay positive. I was telling him about all the little miracles I had noticed happening all around me lately…good omens if you will…signs from God if you choose.
For example: Doug is, and has been for many years, a huge Star Wars fan. I was talking to him on the phone, as I do numerous times throughout the day since he’s been home on disability (much to his unnerving I sometimes think); I was taking a lunch break walk outside (amazing to be able to do so in the middle of December) to a nearby park. The park has a modern version of a musical clock tower. On the hour, it plays a couple of florid, clunky versions of popular or once popular tunes…finding myself near it as we spoke on the phone, it became impossible to hear him speaking over the plumbing pipe version of “Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head.” I told him I would call him later (repeatedly) and continued my walk. Just then the “Raindrops” that were vibrating my head stopped, a couple seconds went by and then…the miracle: “The Star Wars (Main Theme)” began to play. Now I’ve heard many a song on this horrible clock, and so has a coworker of mine who takes the same walk on her breaks…I’m talking ten years of breaks! Neither of us has ever heard anything to do with “Star Wars”! She, like me, thought it was a miracle.
When I told Doug about the little miracle he said, “It’s just a coincidence.” My heart sank because I don’t believe you will see the miracles unless you believe in them, if you look for them.
7 Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: 8 For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.
To me the “Star Wars” anthem playing at the very moment I hung up the phone symbolized the brave fight Doug was about to endure, the victory, and eventual destruction of Darth Cancer. I’ll continue to believe that the Force is with him; and may the force be with you!
We thought all of Doug’s treatments were starting this week but…no, waiting until next week. Little miracles keep happening along the way: Doug went to school with one of the chemotherapy nurses. Doug had another visit with the oncologist who said the tumor is “really small”. (more good news) I will be attempting to completely pray the cancer away over the weekend. I really believe all the prayers from everyone have been working miracles.
Unfortunately, someone has coughed on me all week at work and I finally caught what she had! I hate to be around Doug as his immune system will be reduced by all these treatments. He says not to worry about it.
The way to happiness is: keep your heart free from hate, your mind from worry. Live simply, give much. Fill your life with love. Do as you would be done by.
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
Jesus Christ Matthew 6:25-34 New International Version
“The great mistake is to anticipate the outcome of the engagement; you ought not to be thinking of whether it ends in victory or defeat. Let nature take its course, and your tools will strike at the right moment.”
― Bruce Lee
“If a problem is fixable, if a situation is such that you can do something about it, then there is no need to worry. If it’s not fixable, then there is no help in worrying. There is no benefit in worrying whatsoever.”
― Dalai Lama XIV
The man of wisdom is never of two minds; the man of benevolence never worries; the man of courage is never afraid.