Miracles, Magic and Coincidence

Having been a witness to a miracle and all the magic things which happened around it (see this) has taken me a quantum leap in consciousness.  When trying to put into words what happened, I get to a point where it even sounds to me that I am talking nonsense.  I talk about God when I really can’t even grasp the concept.  Some, I’m certain, believe that I’m talking about the dude with the pink gown who is painted on the Sistine Chapel ceiling.   I talk about miracles, synchronicity, time as an illusion, dimensions, portals and things of which I have no direct knowledge; but, I have a gut feeling are part of some experience I am currently having or about to have…or possibly had all my life.

Last night I was trying to explain all this information to Doug and he seems to get nearly angry the more I talked.  I don’t really even know where the ideas and concepts are coming from but seem to just know something which I am supposed to pass along.

Time: I talk about linear time as an illusion–this is one of the things which really made Doug angry.  He said we must share the concept of linear time in order to be able to talk about events from the same frame of reference.  I didn’t disagree but jumped to the idea that words themselves are a limitation (I have often talked about how our minds are trapped in a word prison) at which point Doug got even more frustrated with me because we must use words, as well as time, to communicate.  Doug is very down to earth when it comes to my spacy ideas.

Let me just give you a litany of the concepts in a condensed form which went through my mind as I lay in bed last night:

  1. Time as an illusion.  I believe that quantum physics has already proven this through the concept of quantum entanglement.  Einstein was so freaked out by the concept he called it “spooky action at a distance.”
  2. The deliberate disclosure of UFOs is coming in dribs and drabs because many of influence in this world believe such a revelation would, basically, cause the collapse of society.
  3. Aliens: I talked about them as hypothetically more advanced than we are and that, in human history, when human colonizers came in contact with a primitive culture they destroyed it by smashing the ideals and mores of the culture, spreading disease and enslaving their fellow beings.  Is this a possibility?  Only if the “aliens” are colonizers but it is possible they are here for some other purpose.
  4. Time can be bent and traveled through, like traveling from dimension to dimension.  Quantum physics talks about concepts of parallel universes and even Stephen Hawking was working during his death on the concept of “multi-verses”.
  5. Spirituality and coincidence have been a big part of Doug and I’s recent journey through cancer and the healing process.  I have written many of the events down, some I have not, which are too coincidental to be a coincidence.  Carl Jung referred to this concept as Synchronicity.

Most recently the magical, coincidental events which have taken place on this ride through consciousness and healing are the following:

Over Doug and I’s last year of “tribulation”, we lost one of our beloved dogs, Hanna.  At Doug’s new job, the girl he is replacing is named Hanna.  The man who hired Doug is named Matt.  Matt announced his departure from the store on Doug’s first day: Doug’s hiring was the last official act of this manager who appeared to be much loved by his subordinates some of whom cried at his announcement.  Matt is going to Nebraska Furniture Mart.  Doug was born in Nebraska and owns stock in the company in the form of Berkshire Hathaway.  Lastly, I have referred to in this blog the book of Matthew with reference to chapter 6–this reference is part of what I call the “worry project “(which is having some results) and is ongoing. 

 

The Worry Project

“Bobby Jo don’t worry ’bout nothin’!”

What good has worry done me, or you? Not one damn bit: what’ s coming is coming and there isn’t a thing you can do about it.  Sure, you can study books, save money, watch tv shows about what foods to eat (then eat those foods), you can watch the TV news (and go insane), you can vote, get politically active, smell the flowers, meditate, have coffee with friends, have dinner with family; but, nothing is going to change the fact that one morning you’re going to pull up your pants and put your shirt over your head and you are NOT going to repeat the proscess at the end of that same day.  Someone else is going to pull them off for you—poof that’s it.

So why worry?  I learned this lesson from a someone I read about named Bobby Jo Dennison.  He holed up in a local hotel room with his girlfriend or whore or whatever she was.  He decided he wasn’t coming out.  You think he was worried about retirement, his 401k, or his health insurance?  Hell no, he wasn’t worried ’bout nothin’ —his life goes on as carefree as the lilies of the field, or the birds of the air, which Jesus talked about in the New Testament.  Now, I don’t plan on threatening to cut off anyone’s toes or wear big jewelry, or my hat on backward, or have a teardrop tattoo, but I can try, just like Bobby Jo (and Jesus) not to worry.

Douggie Jo and Timmy Jo ain’t gonna worry ’bout nothin’ this week, as an experiment.  We’ll see what happens.

10 minutes after I posted this we got a call from Doug’s doctor’s office that his PET scan is scheduled for March, 12th…a month to the day after he was laid off.  This scan is to look to see the status of whether or not the cancer is gone.

Coincidence?  I think not.

Blood, Liver, Roller Coaster

Cancer treatment is a roller coaster ride.  You have to live in bits: bits of hours, bits of days…little tiny bits.  You don’t dare look ahead too far; life is micro not macro. 

Doug got a call from his nurse the other day:

“We want you to come in early for a blood test.”

“Is it anything I need to be concerned about?” he asked, near panic.

“It’s your liver enzymes.” the nurse flatly explained.

Anyone that knows cancer knows that it loves to spread to the liver.  When it spreads to the liver it often becomes deadly.  The familiar, cold-sweat panic sets in, you take a deep breath and the internal dialogue kicks in like a silent auction of life versus death.  The liver: we don’t want to visit the liver.

After three days of nail-biting, praying and waking in the middle of the night Doug got the word.  I heard the now ominous creak of the front door.  I was sitting in the same place I had been when he originally announced the unfathomable cancer diagnosis—the toilet.

I shouted, “Don’t tell me while I’m sitting here!”

My hand shook as it reached for the toilet paper, heart racing, sweat beading.  I tidied myself and emerged from the bathroom.

“My liver’s so fine, I can drink a glass of wine.”, he smiled, we hugged, I cried and I felt deep inside the first bit of hope I’ve felt through this entire hideous misadventure.

Today is Valentine’s.  We have no wine, but we have some time yet to celebrate.  Who wants to try to get into a restaurant on Valentine’s day anyway???  I will post our first toast.

Thanks to all of you!  We extend our love on this special “day of the liver”, more often associated with the heart, otherwise known as Valentine’s day.

 

The Shocker

February 12th was supposed to be “back to normal” day; but it turned out to be “slap in the face” day.  Doug spent the evening of February 11th with his usual pre-work routine.

  1. Making his lunch: usually a turkey sandwich, a piece of dark chocolate and a “healthy” sweet snack.
  2. Laying out his “outfit”
  3. Cold brewing his jug of green tea in the refrigerator

He tossed and turned in bed–he was excited like a schoolboy on the night before his first day back to classes.  I told him:

“It’s back to normal eve.”

He smiled, “I can’t go to sleep.”

I told him, “Maybe you should take half a pain pill.” (he had been diligently working at tapering off the medication even though his whole lower torso looked as if it had been seared with a torch.)  We serenely watched “The Great British Baking Show”, chuckling and commenting along the way, breathing the types of breaths one breathes when they know everything was going to be okay, soft, smooth and deep.  After watching numerous cakes fall apart, both of us finally drifted off to sleep.

He awoke and readied himself so quietly, I didn’t know that he was gone.  I got up after he had left thinking about how happy he must be to be back at work where he has a few really good people as coworkers.  I worried that he might be hurt as he moves literally nearly a ton of boxes each work day.  I knew he was happy–now matter how much it hurt.

I was taking my last sip of coffee, preparing to shower, when I heard the front door creak open.  It was Doug. I was shocked. I thought he said to me, “I’m not strong enough and have to go back tomorrow.”  Because I couldn’t believe the situation which he went on to explain.  What he had said was that he needed me to be “strong” for he had just been laid off, without warning, without honor, without sympathy, coldly, cruelly, shamefully on his first day back from a long and grueling fight with cancer which we didn’t know yet for sure was over.

I literally collapsed in tears as he tried to comfort me.  Imagine that, him comforting me.  He is a good man, kind, loving, forgiving and very, very strong.  He was more worried for me than himself.  I don’t care about his job, the money, the bills…I care about Doug’s honor and dignity and to see him degraded in this way both broke my heart and infuriated me.

Last night was really, really tough.  We both awoke in the night and talked for a while, both fearing not being able to go back to sleep again.  Doug was reading and I asked him what it was.  He said it was an advanced reader copy of something or other.  I said to him, “You still love getting those advanced reader copies don’t you?”

He smiled at me with the most sincere and wide grin:

“That’s why I love being a bookseller.”

My tears began a stream to see that smile and hear those words.

Back To Work, Back to Life, Back to Good Health

Doug is scheduled to return to work on February 12th.  He is looking forward to getting back to a routine he once cursed.  His job is very physically demanding: he literally will lift a ton of boxes and move them per day.  He has grown very soft, in a way, over the course of his cancer treatment; though the treatments have hardened him in other ways.  He is just not as physically strong as he was back in December. 

He is healing well.  His pain level is decreasing slightly each day.  He refused to take the last three radiation treatments.  He seemed literally terrified when he thought they were going to wheel him down to radiation while he was trying to get stabilized in the hospital.  He said he felt instinctively that his body was trying to tell him that no more treatments were necessary and the cancer was gone.

I know this whole process has changed him; but, he is still too close to the whole nightmare to really see just how much and in what way.  He had never been hospitalized for the first 52 years of his life.  He says it will be another 52 years so he won’t be in the hospital again until he is 104!  Now that’s the spirit!

Thanks to all who have shown their support for him along the way with their visits, cards, thoughts, and prayers. 

Doug will know nothing about the status of the tumor for about two more weeks, yet seems to know something in his heart.  Doug might well have said the quote below himself.

“The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.”

— Buddha

Back Home

This story is long from over but having Doug home makes everything much more bearable.  His pain is declining slightly each day though he still walks around looking saddle sore.  He is still on an antibiotic for a few more days; we are monitoring his temperature throughout the day…sometimes he acts like a crabby baby about having that done. 

Now, we just wait to see if the cancer is all gone.  I pray that it is because I don’t know that Doug would go through this all again.  I am not sure I would ever go through it once.

He has received several calls from friends: it is so good to hear him laughing.  Thanks again for all the prayers and positive thoughts.

Coming Home Tomorrow!

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Wally

I have to write this stuff down before I forget the sequence of events.  (I took the picture above at Devil’s Tower in Wyoming. Many believe that orbs are lens dust. Devil’s Tower is a very spiritual place and I have more pictures from different angles with different orbs in different places and this is the only place I have ever taken pictures in my whole life which have orbs in them.  Devil’s Tower was misnamed because of a moronic translation by a man who had no idea about Native American faith or language.  Believe me, it is a Holy place) I have faith that there is a life beyond this one, mainly because of evidence I have witnessed first hand and secondly by reading many books about people in hospice and near death experiences.

Wally, Doug’s deceased father, is here and present during this crisis beyond a doubt!

  1. The morning after Doug had been admitted to the hospital, I awoke to heat up my cup of coffee in the microwave.  We always have leftover coffee.  The microwave had been moved and, as soon as I pushed the start button, the timer light came on and then it just fried out, kaput, done.  Okay, it was very old but if you read anything about “ghosts” they do seem to like electrical objects.
  2. The Cardinal bird, which I almost never see, appeared in the bush outside.  If you had read previous posts you would know that both Doug and I see a male Cardinal bird as a sign of his Dad, Wally.
  3. That same morning, I put a load of laundry in the washer.  Knowing it would be done when I got home, I went down to put the clothes in the dryer.  Somehow before I got home, the washing machine had been turned off!  We have an old washing machine on which you have to pull out the giant button on the top right in to stop it.  It was still a third full of water and, when I pushed the button in, it came back on and finished the load of clothes.
  4. When I came up from the basement steps immediately after that incident, plain as day, I saw Doug walking through the kitchen in his maroon sweatpants and beige hoodie which has been his outfit of choice through this whole nightmare.  Looking back, I believe it was a spirit masquerading as Doug in order to comfort me.  Yes, you think I’m nuts! I know!
  5. That same morning, when I went to visit Doug at the hospital, my foot started itching so I took my shoe off to scratch it.  Something was inside my sock: a penny!  Now I can see a penny showing up in my shoe but this one was inside of my sock which I had just taken out of the drawer that morning.  It was a 1997 D penny for whatever that is worth.  I put it on Doug’s little shelf in the hospital as a “lucky” penny.
  6. That same day, I believe, Doug’s mother was visitin tig him in the hospital. She was desperately searching for a TV guide (so she could watch some kind of college sports)  and had a handful of brochures to page through…when…whe stumbled upon the one brochure which had on its cover page a picture of Wally, smiling glowingly at a nurse. “Options for Pain Control” was the title and Wally was the star.
  7. On the day Doug went into the hospital, his Uncle Ken called (Wally’s Brother), “out of the blue” to see how Doug was doing.  Now, I believe he knew that Doug had cancer, but he had no clue he was in the hospital.  I know Wally put a bug in his ear to call Doug’s mom, he then called Doug in the hospital “out of the blue”.
  8. Last night  I called Doug’s mom, extremely frustrated about what I had seen going on in the hospital during that day.  I was in tears, terrified, “Mr. Doom and Gloom” and all that—then, as I sobbed on the phone, the lights in the house went dim as if someone had turned a dimmer switch 40 percent to the dark setting, in an instant!His mom asked me, “Well, how many lights do you have on?”.  “Two.”, I said.  They stayed that way until I went to bed.

There was no logical reason to have a brownout.

So far, today, nothing unusual has happened electrically or otherwise but my faith is strengthened when I have seen, at my lowest point, my nadir, someone is working to send me signs through the only medium they have available, that they are here and sending energy to make all things right, or more tolerable.  I guess I must say, put that in your pipe and smoke it.  “Mr. Doom and Gloom”, believes in the afterlife!

 

Sooooo Much Better Than Yesterday!

Doug has come a long way in a day.  Above is his self-portrait he sent.  Yesterday had to be the nadir.  Nadir is the low point.  I learned that word by reading about chemotherapy where they use the word nadir to describe the low point in the body’s white blood cell count.  Yesterday was so bad that I wrote a lengthy post this morning but couldn’t bring myself to push the publish button.   If anybody would like to read it just let me know and I’ll email the story to you; otherwise, it is better off left behind.

In certain circles, I am accused of “over-exaggerating things” and been given the insulting moniker “Mr. Doom and Gloom”–doesn’t necessarily sound like someone you’d want to spend any time with; but, I suppose Doug has acquired a tolerance for said “Mr.” over nearly thirty years which is all that really matters.  That being said; yesterday was horrible for Doug.

Today he has made an amazing rebound from yesterday’s low point.  For the first time in about five days, I watched him eat almost a whole plate of food and his vanilla pudding despite the fact he felt it had a “fake texture”.   If he was willing to complain about something that petty he had definitely come a long way!  

He had a whole day without running a fever.  His trips to the bathroom have decreased, however, he still can’t walk with his legs together–kind of like a cowboy who’d been riding too long.  The dark circles under his eyes were gone.  We talked and laughed and joked; it was like an hour in heaven.  For the first time, he said his pain was a 5 on the scale from one to 10.  He is getting hydrated finally after they gave him a big jug to drink from instead of little styrofoam cups; his urine is no longer the color of Galliano.  

I had a talk over the phone with his nurse about midnight last night.  That’s all I’m going to say; but since he is getting a little more attention.  

He still has a long way to go but there is word on the street of him maybe getting out by Friday.  However, being Mr. Doom and Gloom, I don’t see him coming home quite that soon all though I desperately hope and pray that it is so.

Keep the good vibes coming.  You too Wally! I know you are here.